Grace in the Midst

It has been two weeks exactly since I went under the knife.  In some ways it feels like it has been so much longer and in other ways it feels like it was just yesterday.  I am definitely doing better than I have been in my  last few posts.  I'd say 75% of the time I'm doing pretty well and 25% of the time I'm fighting of bouts of discouragement.  On Saturday, I spent some time with Matt and the kids and I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but of course I overdid it and on Sunday I felt like I was back to square one.  The rash is starting to clear up because I removed every last bit of tape.  The wound, however has gotten worse - I'm thinking because it has been more exposed...and because the staples need to come out. My friends, family and readers have been super supportive and I've never felt so loved.  I've gotten lots of phone calls and emails which have meant the world (even though I've hardly called or emailed anyone b...

It's 3:30 am - I'd usually be nursing Teal sometime between now and 4:30 am. But he is not here. I can't sleep because I can't seem to get comfortable. Between my poison oak like rash (actually an allergic reaction to the medical tape), the dull ache of my leg, and the many positions I'm not supposed to be in, sleep seems to be a lost cause.  I am trying to muster up the energy to plug in my enormous cow maker (breast pump) so I can stay on Teal's schedule.  But plastic doesn't compare to precious half asleep eyes, or soft mohawky hair...and especially not dimply (tiny as they might be) smiles.  This missing of my baby and children is so strange.  On the one hand I long for them, on the other hand I am scared of returning to them.  This is one of the tough moments of this journey.  There have been many positive moments as well.  I quickly transitioned from a walker, to crutches, to one crutch.  I  can pour myself a glass of water - and even t...

     "It hurts so bad, can I have some more pain medicine?!  Please!"  "Hello?  This really hurts I need something else for the pain.  Someone, help!"      "Maam, you lost a lot of blood.  We've had to do multiple transfusions.  Your blood pressure is too low.  There is nothing we can do for the pain until you are more stable."      "Please, please - pain medicine, please!"      "I'm sorry, Maam - you are going to have to wait." This conversation repeated itself over and over again for  hours and hours after the surgery. I'm not sure exactly how long it was, but it felt like FOREVER! When they finally got me stabilized (thank you, Jesus) they were able to send some relief my way. But, it was a little bit too late emotionally. I had definitely entered the, oh no, what have I gotten myself into, mindset.  I was scared. Tired. Still in pain (though thankfull...

     It is 5:30 am, the perfect time for me to spend some quality time with Jesus - but, I don't want to.  So, I'm writing this blog post instead.  You know what?  As I typed that I heard a still small voice (hopefully the Holy Spirit and not the Oxycodone) say - "I am with you always."  So, I guess officially I am spending time with Jesus...and my blog.  I thought I'd take a few moments to record some thoughts about the journey I'm walking (well, actually NOT walking) through in regards to my recent hip replacement.       The few weeks before the hip replacement were quite intense.  I had no idea how much time and energy it would take to figure out what to do with four kiddos for two weeks. You would probably laugh if you could see the size of the spreadsheet labeled "Hip Surgery - Kiddos".  There were soooo many needs.  God is pretty incredible though!  Every day either someone wo...

I ended my last post with the following paragraph -  "I am really thankful that I am starting to recognize that choosing stress and worry is like kicking God of His throne.  I hope and pray that each time I find myself heading in that direction, I will say - not my will but yours be done.  Please, Lord - stay on the throne of my life.  I KNOW you'll do a much better job than I could ever do!" And yet tonight - I am having a hard time trusting Him.  I'm, well - scared.  A week from today I'm having my right hip replaced.  I'm not sure exactly what the source of my fear is...I think it mostly has to do with being away from my four children for more than a week.  They have never been away from me for more than 2 days.   Who's going to tickle Cole's neck, back & legs (in that order) as he makes his way up the stairs to his loft bed at nap time?  What will Avonlea think when I just disappear (I've tried to explain it to her, but s...